01-06-2022, 01:48 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-10-2022, 03:37 AM by Gephreigh.)
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Quote:
21 hours ago, Gephreigh said:
Yeah during the bbq, there will be some more explanation about the girl and his comment... I considered revealing the jobs earlier, but there again... kinda wanted to employ that empty feeling of, just sort of missing things...
I think you've got that covered; no need to overdo it.
Also, about the jobs: that's small-talk, one of the first things that comes out when you meet a stranger. It's on a level with "How 'bout this weather?", or "You live around here?" No significant information content, it's just a kind of social lubricant, and a minimum of it is needed to keep one of the parties from calling an end to the meeting. This is why I think it's appropriate to include early.
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I was a bit worried though about your thoughts on the wanting to throw the menu away, then wanting to tear it up...
No, that's perfect.
I wanted to convey a sort of self defeating / sabotaging attitude towards relationships, not really sure if that came through though or not.
We read you five by five. Any more and you'll distort the signal, lol.
As for the paint, yeah your probably right, I did go into great detail about it but cut it way back. I wanted to leave no doubt though that it was not talking about the signs or something else. (I went into detail about the parking lot that had broken up painted lines etc. so it seemed sorta natural to explain)
The bar has two attributes in the original wording,
Its run down signs, and paint peeling exterior . It has signs that are run-down (note the hyphen) and an exterior that is peeling paint, or perhaps paint that is peeling the exterior. If written as,
Its run-down signs and peeling paint , it has signs that are run-down and paint that is peeling (also note the elimination of the comma in the middle). Crystal clear.
And fuck me sideways, when did I become an English teacher?
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12 hours ago, Gephreigh said:
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But mostly I wanted to explain how things have been for me, how lonely I’ve been feeling and the things I’ve been worried about.
This feels like you're overplaying the loneliness.
I wanted to tell him how attractive I thought he was, and that I wanted him to wrap me in those huge arms. I wanted to tell him that I wished he was not married and might consider me. I wanted to hold him back tightly and say how unfair the world is. But as I tend to do, I said none of those things.
I think you could sum this up in something like "God, what a hunk. How I'd like to ..." and leave it. At this point I don't see David as much more than a background character, part of the scenery.
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“Yeah bro, it's ladies night and I’m going to scope some T n’ A all night!” I pretended to laugh a little, and wondered how seriously he took his marriage. Albeit a short conversation, it was very repellent and I quickly dismissed all my previous thoughts. His many long hours at the gym, grey flecked crew cut, and fairly good looks were heavily undermined by his personality. With another tree felling pat he went on his way with a hand-basket full of protein powder.
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After grabbing a few bags of randomly flavored chips, I headed towards the refrigerated section. The pickings were fairly limited, this town wasn't very big after all so there wasn't a lot of call for exotic meats. After staring blankly for a moment, Reggie popped into my mind. I asked the butcher to cut a bit of chuck roast into strips. In the corner I saw some fresh shrimp and decided to grab some of those, in the vegetable aisle I grabbed some mushrooms to go along with it. While there I grabbed the makings for a panzanella. The selection of red wines at the store were miserable, but I grabbed one that seemed nice.
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Grab, grab, grab. Watch out for repetition.
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Spending the rest of the afternoon preparing the salad, seasoning the shrimp, and putting them on skewers with the mushrooms was actually somewhat relaxing. As I finished wrapping everything up for easy transport, I glanced at the clock. Still half an hour to go. I thought about it for a minute, but decided to arrive early.
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I knocked loudly on the door, hands overflowing with food. The woman I saw from before answered the door. The bangles on her wrist jingled loudly as she opened the door. “Whatever it is, we're not interested.” She started to close the door a few inches then grinned. “Just kidding, come in come in!” She opened the door the rest of the way and reached out to take some of the groceries. “I’m Haley, James’s BFF. Are you his new boyfriend?” A smirk crossed her face. What she lacked in tact was surely made up for in humor.
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“I… Jeff… Far as I know we're just friends.” I was totally unprepared for her bluntness, and couldn't think of any clever comebacks. As we headed towards the kitchen I looked around for Reg but he was nowhere to be seen. After passing a bookshelf filled with books related to dog care and training I asked “How long have you known Jim?” For a moment I thought she didn't hear me, and I was about to repeat myself.
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“Ever since my mom died, twelve years ago.” All mirth and joviality had fled her face, replaced with a pained expression. I felt a twinge of guilt. “He's been my rock, I'd be lost without him.” With a shake of her head she put a weak smile back on. Even still though not all of her former personality was back. “You? Where'd you guys meet?”
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Twelve years seems a long time to carry that much hurt.
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“You are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen.”
Like that.
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01-07-2022, 09:39 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-10-2022, 03:37 AM by Gephreigh.)
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01-07-2022, 11:56 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-10-2022, 03:38 AM by Gephreigh.)
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01-07-2022, 01:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-07-2022, 01:22 PM by heavyhorse.)
Quote:
11 hours ago, threelegs said:
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I think you've got that covered; no need to overdo it.
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Also, about the jobs: that's small-talk, one of the first things that comes out when you meet a stranger. It's on a level with "How 'bout this weather?", or "You live around here?" No significant information content, it's just a kind of social lubricant, and a minimum of it is needed to keep one of the parties from calling an end to the meeting. This is why I think it's appropriate to include early.
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You think you could use tinier print? [img]<fileStore.core_Emoticons>/emoticons/wacko.png[/img]/emoticons/[email protected] 2x" title=":S" width="20" />
Your vision must be a lot better than mine....
01-07-2022, 05:58 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-10-2022, 03:38 AM by Gephreigh.)
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Quote:
8 hours ago, heavyhorse said:
You think you could use tinier print? [img]<fileStore.core_Emoticons>/emoticons/wacko.png[/img]/emoticons/[email protected] 2x" title=":S" width="20" />
Your vision must be a lot better than mine....
I tried to increase the size of it, but the software refused to comply.
Just waiting for Jim to say, "Dogs don't get jealous ..."
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