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+--- Thread: Dead end weekend (/showthread.php?tid=56)
Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-02-2022
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Dead end weekend - threelegs - 01-02-2022
Okay, a few things ...
First, this is really quite a good setup, and now I want the rest. You've done a good job with setting; I can easily picture the scenes. Characterization seems to be developing well where it's needed; not quite as complete as I'd like it yet, but I don't expect to be disappointed with it ongoing. Dialog seems okay; there isn't much of it yet--same as with characterization.
I like that you're using descriptions of facial expressions and body language to convey characterization. That's actually a quality technique that many new writers don't catch onto right away.
Not bad so far, and you've got my interest.
It's visually strange; every paragraph is four lines long. That sort of thing can just happen, but it makes the overall page look monotonous. Some of this can be fixed easily while simultaneously correcting a dialog problem: you have multiple characters speaking in the same paragraph. Your attributions are in place, so it's not a problem for clarity, but I have a rule with dialog of 'One character per paragraph.' This lets you get away with omitting a bit of attribution here and there while guaranteeing that the reader won't get confused about who's talking. It also tends to insert enough whitespace to make the page look more interesting.
Anyway ... miscellaneous:
* You can emit the quotes around things like, hole in the wall, fresh fish, and good-looking.
* "squoze" should be "squeezed".
* Your punctuation needs a little work, but isn't too bad. Same with capitalization.
I'm looking forward to the rest of it.
Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-03-2022
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Dead end weekend - threelegs - 01-03-2022
Quote:
15 minutes ago, Gephreigh said:
Very helpful! thankyou... (I did wrestle with squoze / squeezed but I sorta liked how squoze felt saying it outloud heh) I'll endeavor to apply your advice, although I can't promise 100% no errors as I'm still quite new to expressing ideas / feelings in text form. I did however want there to be a sort of void feeling by lack of dialog and detailed character description during this first part before meeting with all the main characters. Purposely leaving out any physical description of anyone other then the very basic. In short, sort of a way to express the emptiness of life before current events. Is this a valid thing? I'm not sure of writing techniques so please forgive my ignorance.
What you're doing is quite valid, and it isn't often necessary to physically describe characters; sometimes it even seems contrived or distracting. Their inner lives are the part that you want to express. You can add specific physical details later as needed. You've done well to minimize description so far; the bar scene is a launching pad, it isn't the vehicle, so the 'rough sketch' approach to it works fine.
Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-03-2022
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<p dir="ltr">
Dead end weekend - threelegs - 01-03-2022
Okay, but you're starting to get a little more wordy than necessary, for example,
Quote:
10 hours ago, Gephreigh said:
it was an expanse of rich brown attempting to, albeit somewhat poorly, convince the onlooker of a bovine origin.
could all be replaced by "brown Naugahyde" or some other wording of the description. Too much description of the scene detail slows the reader down. You seem to have a good feel for the pacing as the two men sort of circle around each other a bit.
Again, watch the dialog and character placement in your paragraphing. This:
<p dir="ltr">
" ... It had a slight rooty and citrus smell to it. “Whatever it is, it sure smells nice. Here’s mud in yer eye!” Jim’s smile faded slightly.
<p dir="ltr">
“My ex used to say that very same thing.” I felt a pang of regret at opening up again what was surely a sore subject. “It's a variant on a vertigo, slightly more lemon, and using ginger beer. I hope you like it, it’s one of my favorites.” "
<p dir="ltr">
should look like this:
<p dir="ltr">
" ... It had a slight rooty citrus smell to it. “Whatever it is, it sure smells nice. Here’s mud in yer eye!”
<p dir="ltr">
Jim’s smile faded slightly. “My ex used to say that very same thing.” I felt a pang of regret at opening up again what was surely a sore subject. “It's a variant on a vertigo, slightly more lemon, and using ginger beer. I hope you like it, it’s one of my favorites.” "
<p dir="ltr">
You're doing good with the important parts; you mainly need to work on the mechanical details, like punctuation. I think you've got a good storytelling instinct.
Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-04-2022
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Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-04-2022
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Dead end weekend - threelegs - 01-05-2022
Interesting and quite unexpected plot twist, throwing a female into the first scene.
I'm still a little confused at Jim's parting comment, “That was rude, you didn't even let me introduce you.” Since it was 'overheard', it would seem to have been directed at the girl, but that doesn't make sense either. It seems harsh in any event, and may be something you could smooth out a bit somehow.
The revelation of the MC's job as long-haul trucker might have been better placed a little earlier, maybe while they're driving from the bar to Jim's house. You could also get Jim's occupation in that conversation too, and eliminate " or so he said when we were at his car."
Your description of the bar's "paint peeling exterior" would be better as just "peeling paint".
You gave me a new vocabulary word: pescatarian. Thanks. Also, your work is notably lacking in misspellings, so you've got that going for you, too.
Onward!
Dead end weekend - Gephreigh - 01-06-2022
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