Jokes

[zemlya]

Mr. Penguin brings his car to the auto shop to have some work done on it.  While waiting for a mechanic on duty to inspect the vehicle, he walks over to the local ice cream parlor that is only a few blocks away, and having taken a stroll on a sunny day, he feels a little hungry.  When he arrives, he asks the clerk for an ice cream cone, and after the order is completed, he sits down to eat the snack while reading the news on his cellphone.  After he is done eating, he gets up and walks towards the door, the clerk says to him "Have a nice day!" and he replies "Thank you."  He then walks out and all the way back to the auto shop.  There he's greeted by the manager on duty and the manager says to him, "Mr. Penguin, it looks like you've just blown a seal."  Mr. Penguin blushes and wipes his beak and says, "No, it's just ice cream."

[heavyhorse]

*Covers face, shoulders shaking*

[30-30]

Not a joke, but a real story:




I frequently ride tournaments. On one occasion in another riding club some kilometers away from my home stables, I did like usual and worked my Hannover mare on the "Abreitplatz" , the area you can warm up your horse before the actual competition. My mare was a known kicker and had a red band weaved into her tail as it is obligatory on tournaments to signal potential "unfriendly" behaviour. So, I was preparing her for the dressage and then, there was this show jumping stallion also being warmed up by his rider on the same area . The stallion obviously found interest in my mare, but she always squealed when he came near and even did some fake kicks towards him. The stallion´s rider lost a bit of control about his horse that got more and more excited although my mare definitely wasn´t in heat at that time...




It all culminated in his stallion totally going out of his rider´s control, getting near my mare who wasn´t fond of that at all and immediately fired a huge one with her hind legs at him, only slightly missing the leg of the rider, but smacking the stallion pretty good. The rider became infuriated, but I luckily heard my starting number being called out on the speakers to assume my place in the dressage arena, so I left the warm up area and rode the competition. After my mare and me finished the lessons, I went out of the club area to cool her down for 15 minutes walking her in the nearby fields, then I unsaddled and unbridled her, dried her and led her into the trailer. All of a sudden, the stallion´s rider was walking towards me like a twisted and red form of an Irish gnome steaming with anger, just in the moment I was closing the trailer´s door and about to drive home. He forced me into listening to his rant, complaining about my mare having "ruined his tournament with that kicking". When I said that he should have seen the red band in my mare´s tail, he only took that as more oil to fuel his anger. "Your shitty horse....rantrantrant..." I then asked him why he couldn´t keep his horse under control and whether he liked me to come over to his riding club and give him a few lessons , what made him going off like a bomb. He started shouting at me while I rather unimpressedly closed the trailer back door and went to enter my car. I can´t even remember the curse words he threw at me and my mare, but one thing I remember pretty clearly: As a special form of goodbye, I told him he should contact my riding club so my insurance would cover any costs from the possible injury my mare might have inflicted on his "super expensive and super noble breeding stallion", but also said that I will name some of the other riders, many of which I know, to testify what happened for the insurance, very likely leading to complete rejection of any reparations as all the others who have seen that incident unanimously blamed it entirely on that guy and his lack of control over his horse. He cursed even more and just as I was reaching for the key to start the engine, he yelled at me "Fuck your horse!" , giving me the finger. I calmly leaned out of my car window, looked him in the eye and then said "You don´t know how much I will take your advice to my heart. Have a nice day, Sir." , started the engine , leaving him behind with a rather baffled face. I assume the real pun went entirely over his head and he was baffled because of me staying calm and formal even when throwing insults at me like mad. But you cannot imagine how much I laughed, seeing this guys face in the rear mirror...knowing that he correctly predicted what was about to happen when my mare and I reached our stables. I almost pissed my pants from laughing...

[Eagle]

A joke:

Dr. Howard paced about the room, nervous.  "Relax," he tried to reassure himself.  "You're not the first doctor to have sex with a patient."  But, then, reality sets in and he has to slap himself "... but I'm a veterinarian!"

[Resident Hyaena]

(An old one, reconstructed from very incomplete memory, and re-written so that the circumstances would make better sense, the one in question would be treated more humanely, and their intended fate would be the nestbox, rather than the dinner table).




 




Marco was asked by his wife to go to town and get another laying hen to replace the one they had lost. He bundled up for the weather, fired up the old truck, puttered the several miles to town, and picked out one at the farmers market, which they put into a mesh sack for safe carry to the truck.


But when he tried to start up the truck, it gave a whine and went dead. The nearby mechanic said it was a bad starter motor, and he could fix it, but it would take at least three hours. And he could not leave the Chicken there or have it in the waiting room.


So he went out to find a park bench or something, and soon saw the marquee for the local cinema, and a movie he had wanted to see.


But what to do about the Chicken?


He hung the sack by the drawstrings around his neck, and wrapped his cloak over, to give the impression that he was just fat. Then he went to the ticket booth, paid , went in, and found a seat, adjusting the Chicken and cloak so that it could sit more-or-less normally in his lap and get proper air.


Others came in, including two young women that sat down next to him.


The movie began, and soon he was totally engrossed in it, so much so, that he failed to notice that the Chicken had found or made a breach in the sack, and had worked its head and neck out.


And the woman nearest him leaned over to her partner. "Karina, Karina!" she whispered "Over here, sticking out of this guy's pants!"


"What of it Sandra" replied Karina "you've seen one, you've seen them all".


"Maybe you have" replied Sandra "but this one's eating our popcorn!"




 

[Ramseys]

 




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[Vermilion]

Lol. "No mercy, my children!!!"

[Ramseys]

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[Ramseys]

[Resident Hyaena]

3 hours ago, Ramseys said:




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Furry donut good, rubber donut BAD!






Resident Hyaena ^..^